Symmetry

John Paul Jones was the son of the head gardener of the Earl of Selkirk, in Scotland. In the gardens were two summer-houses corresponding to each other. The gardener was a most steady methodical Scotchman. One day Lord Selkirk, in his walks, observed a lad locked up in one of them, and, looking out of the corresponding window, appeared young John Paul.

"Why are those two lads confined?" said Lord Selkirk to the gardener.

"My lord, I caught the rascal stealing your lordship's fruit."

"But here are two - what has your son done; is he, too, guilty?"

"Oh no, please your lordship, I just put him in for symmetry!"

A Grateful Husband

An old farmer, dictating his will to a lawyer, said -

"I give and bequeath to my wife the sum of £100 a year. Is that writ down, master?"

"Yes," said the lawyer; "but she is not so old but she may marry again. Won't you make any change in that case? Most people do."

"Ah, do they? Well, write again and say if my wife marry again, I give and bequeath her the sum of £200 a year. That'll do, surely?"

"Why, that's just doubling the sum she would have had if she had remained unmarried," said the lawyer; "it's generally the other way."

"Ay, I ken that," said the farmer; "but him that takes her for a wife again will need it a'."

The Campbells Are Coming

A few years ago, while the Cygnet steamer was sailing down Lochlochie, a soldier's wife on board was delivered of twins. What rendered the circumstance remarkable, was the fact that a few years previous, at the same place, in the same steamer, under the same captain - Captain Campbell - a circumstance precisely similar had occurred. On the first of these occasions, the mother was a Mrs. Campbell, and it was thought an extraordinary coincidence, that at the very time of her delivery a piper on board was playing vigorously, "The Campbells are coming!" quite ignorant, of course, of the additional little passengers that had made their appearance.

Forgive Your Enemies

The wife of a respected Dundee physician relates the following amusing anecdote of her youngest - a bright little fellow of four - whose quaint questions and remarks had often provoked the mirth of his parents: - One day he had a quarrel with one of his brothers. On kneeling down by the chair of his mother, as was his wont, to say his prayers, he repeated them in tones that told he had not forgotten his recent trouble. He commenced to pray for the different members of his family individually - "God bless dear papa, dear mamma, and dear Charley," when suddenly he stopped short, as if overcome by emotion.

"No," he sobbed, indignantly, "I won't pray for Petey."

"Oh fie, Johnny," remarked his mother. "If Petey's a bad boy, you've the more need to pray for him."

The youthful Christian was silent for a moment after this reproof; then, after a brief mental struggle, exclaimed -

"Very well, I'll be good. I'll pray for him. God bless bad Petey, and make him a good boy."

A Reasonable Inference

There was a parochial schoo, in a remote muirland district of a southern Scotch county, at which the attendance had, from various causes, at one time dwindled down to a single self-reliant boy; and one forenoon, in a lull of school work, the little fellow looked up with a reflective air, and said-

"Maister, I think the schule'll no be in the morn."

"What puts that in your head, sir?" haughtily inquired the master; to which the callant immediately replied -

"Because I'll no be here!"

An Explanation Explained

An English gentleman travelling in the north of Scotland was told, when he came to Edinburgh, that he would not be able to understand the Aberdeenshire dialect, and was advised to take an Edinburgh servant with him as an interpreter, which he did. Upon his arrival at Lady F--'s, an old Scottish countess, he was desired by the hospitable lady, when seated at dinner, to "fa' tee, fa' tee, and eat." Upon turning to his interpreter for an explanation, the latter said, "Hoot, sir, her ladyship means 'Fa' tu and eat.'"

"And pray," asked his master, "what is fa' tu?"

"It means just eat awa' as fast's ye'er able, sir."

King William and the "Thumbikins"

"I have heard," said King William, to Principal Carstairs, "that you were tortured with something they call 'thumbikins'; pray what sort of instument of torture is it?"

"I will show it you," replied Carstairs, "the next time I have the honour to wait upon your Majesty."

The Principal was as good as his word. "I must try them," said the King. "I must put in my thumbs here - now, Principal, turn the screw. Oh! not so gently - another turn - another - stop! stop! no more. Another turn, I'm afraid, would make me confess anything."

-Statistical account

Editor's note: Thumbscrews were used to torture Christians of Reformed faith into confessing their "crimes" against the government, i.e. practicing religious freedom. They can be seen at the Museum of Scotland on Chambers Street, along with the Boot (similar instrument) and The Maiden, a guillotine.

A Doubly Heinous Crime

Lord Eskgrove was a very "wordy" judge. Lord Cockburn says he heard him, in condemning a tailor to death for murdering a soldier by stabbing him, aggravate the offence thus: - "And not only did you murder him, whereby he was berea-ved of life, but you did thrust, or push, or pierce, or project, or propel, the le-thal weapon through the bellyband of his regimental breeches, which were His Majesty's!"

Suitable Food

Shortly after Dr Johnson's return to London from his tour in the Hebrides, a Scottish lady, who had invited him to dinner, presented on the table a tureen of hotch-potch. Having asked the Doctor if it was good, he replied, in his usual gruff manner -

"Madam, it is good for hogs."

"Then, pray, sir," said the hostess promptly, "let me help you to a little more."

Conditional Forgiveness

A Scotchman, who was supposed to be at the point of death, sent for a neighbour with whom he was at variance, in order that he might depart at peace with all mankind. The reconciliation was effected, and the visitor was about to depart, when the dying man called out -

"Noo, Sandie, man, if I dinna dee, after a', mind, it's just to be atween us twa as it was afore."

A Useless Job

When Dr Macknight had completed his Harmony of the Four Gospels, he went to Edinburgh to arrange about its publication. One of his parishioners, a well-known humorous blacksmith, who, no doubt, thought that the doctor's learned books were rather a waste of time and labour for a country parson, was asked if his minister was at home.

"Na," was the answer; "he's awa' to Edinbro' on a very useless job."

On being asked what this useless work might be which required the minister's presence in teh capital, he replied -

"He's gane to mak four men agree wha ne'er cast oot."

An Officer and No Soldier

Jeffrey, when addressing a jury in a certain trial, had occasion to speak freely of a military officer who was a witness in the cause. Having frequently described him as "this soldier," the witness, who was present could not restrain himself, but started up, calling out -

"Don't call me a soldier, sir; I am an officer!"

"Well, gentlemen of the jury," proceeded Mr Jeffrey, "this officer, who, according to his own statement, is no soldier, was the sole cause of the whole disturbance."

A Musical Pun

A young Scotchman visiting London with his father, and being much given to punning, his father often reproved him for it, and expressed a wish that while in London at any rate he would endeavour to leave it off, and, if possible, display a little genuine wit. One day, taking a walk together, they passed Newgate, where a man was confined in the stocks, with his head firmly jammed in between two ponderous blocks of wood. An excellent pun, strictly in point, instantly occurred to the young man; but, his father being present, he durst not come out with it; so he contented himself with whistling the tune of "Through the wood, laddie."

The Only Difference

Hoveden, a writer of the thirteenth century, informs us that Joannes Scotus, the early Scotch philosopher, being in company with Charles the Bold, king of France, that monarch asked him good-humouredly what was the difference between a Scot and a sot. Scotus, who sat opposite the king, answered -

"Only the breadth of the table."

Friendly Sympathy

A lady in Edinburgh was once suddenly summoned to visit a friend in the country, who was reported to have been seized with a severe and dangerous illness. The lady immediately set out, but, on arriving at her destination, the alarming symptoms of her friend's illness had subsided, and, indeed, departed. On entering the house, who but the patient herself should receive her!

"Oh, my dear Mrs C--," exclaimed the visitor, "and hoo are ye now?"

"Oh, Mrs T--," replied the other, "thank ye, I'm quite weel."

"Isn't that a pity!" said Mrs T--; "and after me having come sae far to see ye!"

A Home Thrust

A certain session-clerk and teacher in a Scottish village had acquired the unfortunate habit of taking a dram too much. His wife, as a matter of course, was much distressed on this account, and frequently remonstrated with him on the impropriety of his conduct; but he turned the point of her rebuke by simply exclaiming -

"It's very true, gudewife, that I whiles put mysel' aff the straicht wi' a gill or twa, and it taks another ane to get me plum again; but d'ye no ken, woman, that if it hadna been for that bit faut o' mine, ye ne'er wad hae been my wife at a'?"

A Rebuke from Burns

[Robert] Burns called once on a certain lord in Edinburgh, and was shown into the library. To amuse himself till his lordship was at leisure, the poet took down a volume of Shakespeare, splendidly bound; but on opening it he discovered from the gilding, that it had never been read, and also that the worms were eating it through and through. He therefore took out his pencil and worte the following lines in it. They, however, were only discovered by accident about twelve years afterwards!

"Through and through the inspired leaves,
Ye maggots, make your windings:
But, oh! respect his lordship's taste,
And spare his golden bindings."

An Honest Lawyer.

In his professional character, Hugo Arnot had a most punctilious sense of honour. He would not accept of a case unless perfectly convinced of its justice. On one occasion being offered a cause, regarding the merits of which he entertained a bad opinion, he asked the person desirous of employing him -

"Pray, Sir, what do you suppose me to be?"

"Why," replied the would-be client, "I understand you to be a lawyer."

"I thought," said Arnot, sternly, "you took me for a scoundrel!" and indignantly dismissed the litigant.

A Poet's Testimonial

[Robert] Burns procured a pair of pistols as a portion of his exciseman's outfit. They were made by Blair of Birmingham, and, in acknowledging them, the poet wrote to him -
"I have tried them, and will say for them what I would not say of the bulk of mankind - they are an honour to their maker." These pistols were afterwards bequeathed to Dr Maxwell.

A Clever Lawyer

An eminent advocate was called on unexpectedly to plead in a cause in which he had been retained. He had been in company with some friends, and was a little "elevated". He mistook the party for whom he was engaged, and delivered, to the amazement of the agent who had fee'd him, and to the horror of his client, an eloquent speech in favour of the other side. As he was about to sit down, the trembling solicitor in a brief note informed him of his mistake. This would have disconcerted most men, but had quite the opposite effect upon him. Re-adjusting his wig and gown, he resumed his oration with the words: - "Such, my Lords, is the statement of this case which you shall probably hear from my learned brother on the other side. I shall now, therefore, show your Lordships how utterly untenable are the principles, and how distorted are the facs, upon which this plausible statement has proceeded." And going over the whole ground, he so completely refuted his former pleading that he won his cause.

-Alexander Hislop, 178

Laconic Epitaph

The following epitaph was copied from a stone in the church-wall of Dowallie, Perthshire. It is without date, but evidently of great age:-

Here lys
James Stewart
He sall rys.

-Alexander Hislop, 10