Symmetry

John Paul Jones was the son of the head gardener of the Earl of Selkirk, in Scotland. In the gardens were two summer-houses corresponding to each other. The gardener was a most steady methodical Scotchman. One day Lord Selkirk, in his walks, observed a lad locked up in one of them, and, looking out of the corresponding window, appeared young John Paul.

"Why are those two lads confined?" said Lord Selkirk to the gardener.

"My lord, I caught the rascal stealing your lordship's fruit."

"But here are two - what has your son done; is he, too, guilty?"

"Oh no, please your lordship, I just put him in for symmetry!"

A Grateful Husband

An old farmer, dictating his will to a lawyer, said -

"I give and bequeath to my wife the sum of £100 a year. Is that writ down, master?"

"Yes," said the lawyer; "but she is not so old but she may marry again. Won't you make any change in that case? Most people do."

"Ah, do they? Well, write again and say if my wife marry again, I give and bequeath her the sum of £200 a year. That'll do, surely?"

"Why, that's just doubling the sum she would have had if she had remained unmarried," said the lawyer; "it's generally the other way."

"Ay, I ken that," said the farmer; "but him that takes her for a wife again will need it a'."

The Campbells Are Coming

A few years ago, while the Cygnet steamer was sailing down Lochlochie, a soldier's wife on board was delivered of twins. What rendered the circumstance remarkable, was the fact that a few years previous, at the same place, in the same steamer, under the same captain - Captain Campbell - a circumstance precisely similar had occurred. On the first of these occasions, the mother was a Mrs. Campbell, and it was thought an extraordinary coincidence, that at the very time of her delivery a piper on board was playing vigorously, "The Campbells are coming!" quite ignorant, of course, of the additional little passengers that had made their appearance.

Forgive Your Enemies

The wife of a respected Dundee physician relates the following amusing anecdote of her youngest - a bright little fellow of four - whose quaint questions and remarks had often provoked the mirth of his parents: - One day he had a quarrel with one of his brothers. On kneeling down by the chair of his mother, as was his wont, to say his prayers, he repeated them in tones that told he had not forgotten his recent trouble. He commenced to pray for the different members of his family individually - "God bless dear papa, dear mamma, and dear Charley," when suddenly he stopped short, as if overcome by emotion.

"No," he sobbed, indignantly, "I won't pray for Petey."

"Oh fie, Johnny," remarked his mother. "If Petey's a bad boy, you've the more need to pray for him."

The youthful Christian was silent for a moment after this reproof; then, after a brief mental struggle, exclaimed -

"Very well, I'll be good. I'll pray for him. God bless bad Petey, and make him a good boy."

A Reasonable Inference

There was a parochial schoo, in a remote muirland district of a southern Scotch county, at which the attendance had, from various causes, at one time dwindled down to a single self-reliant boy; and one forenoon, in a lull of school work, the little fellow looked up with a reflective air, and said-

"Maister, I think the schule'll no be in the morn."

"What puts that in your head, sir?" haughtily inquired the master; to which the callant immediately replied -

"Because I'll no be here!"

An Explanation Explained

An English gentleman travelling in the north of Scotland was told, when he came to Edinburgh, that he would not be able to understand the Aberdeenshire dialect, and was advised to take an Edinburgh servant with him as an interpreter, which he did. Upon his arrival at Lady F--'s, an old Scottish countess, he was desired by the hospitable lady, when seated at dinner, to "fa' tee, fa' tee, and eat." Upon turning to his interpreter for an explanation, the latter said, "Hoot, sir, her ladyship means 'Fa' tu and eat.'"

"And pray," asked his master, "what is fa' tu?"

"It means just eat awa' as fast's ye'er able, sir."

King William and the "Thumbikins"

"I have heard," said King William, to Principal Carstairs, "that you were tortured with something they call 'thumbikins'; pray what sort of instument of torture is it?"

"I will show it you," replied Carstairs, "the next time I have the honour to wait upon your Majesty."

The Principal was as good as his word. "I must try them," said the King. "I must put in my thumbs here - now, Principal, turn the screw. Oh! not so gently - another turn - another - stop! stop! no more. Another turn, I'm afraid, would make me confess anything."

-Statistical account

Editor's note: Thumbscrews were used to torture Christians of Reformed faith into confessing their "crimes" against the government, i.e. practicing religious freedom. They can be seen at the Museum of Scotland on Chambers Street, along with the Boot (similar instrument) and The Maiden, a guillotine.